feeling a bit...emo

as the title says.

in sku was ok
i cant rmb if anything happened
but got maths test.
i spent too much useless time on graphing
didnt plan my time well
so couldnt finish
got 7 marks not complete.
and 1 part of Q3 dunno how do. that's 4 marks
total 30.
well. HOPEFULLY i get 19 or 20 at least :((
it's damn bad le la.
but most ppl cant finish i think
and they dunno how do in front.
well it's rly irritating for me
coz I KNOW HOW DO
i just didnt have time.
its such a pity.
only that one part dunno lor... :(
haiz. nvm. i'll work harder.
i must do better.

i really have serious problems with
time management and presentation when it comes to math
i realise...
hopefully sth can be done -.-
my presentation very bad also!
always dunno how to present.
i understand what is asked
sort of know the answer
but i dunno whether can just write the answer alone
i dunno what they are looking for.
argh dumb areas.

as time passes by
i feel more and more determined
to study
to work hard
to do well.
but.
i can't do it just by this alone.
not when i have so much more to care about
i dun wanna neglect anything else...

i know my mum is tired.
she's old already
she's been thru a lot
at this age my dad is so annoyingly annoying
(sorry limited vocab :P)
he used to help mum a lot
and he didnt bother me de
even at that time there are quarrels and everything
but it only got worse over the years...

nothing has improved.
it has deteriorated instead...
now my dad doesnt help my mum with ANYTHING.
all he does is go to work
and give us money.
well it's very impt but seriously.
he comes home and slack for the rest of the day
slump in front of the tv till dinner
after dinner tv again then sleep.
then like to anyhow waste money.
we not happy about it
but he earned the money. what can we say?
he still can come tell me he very tired that day
the only chore he do at home now is wash plates
sometimes he lazy then even dishes also dun wan wash la

for goodness sake
WHO IS NOT TIRED?!?!?
he is relatively much slacker liao leh.
my mum is rly tired. he should noe!
my mum totally give up on him liao la.
gradually giving up on me too
i dunno what i did man.

i really dunno what she wants from me.
if i can i want to meet her requirements
i want to.
but im also tired.
and i rly dunno how to accomplish EVERYTHING...
now, i really just wanna conc on my studies
and NOTHING else
but then to go uni
we need a nice portfolio
we need leadership skills
we need interpersonal skills
we need a lot
we need to know how to pass interviews smoothly
im having trouble with that.
so i want to take up more leadership posts hopefully
or at least join events
build up character too.
but mum doesnt like it.
she always complains about me busy with too much stuff.
she doesnt like me coming home late for uselss stuff
she doesnt understand y i have to do all these
if can i also dun wan do ANY of it la
im a treasurer in class
im the PW leader
and then i have to balance sku work
which im having trouble with
while facing the very nice classmates
who put even more pressure on me
then my mum
who expects me to still help her with everything at home
IM REALLY NOT SUPERWOMAN LEH

i dunno what to do la seriously.
i dunno what she wants.
she puts so much pressure on my sku work de.
now she doesnt say it tt much
but i know. i know she wants me to do well.
i know she will be upset or even angry if otherwise.
so i try. i study.
but all she noes is to expect all those from me...
she hasnt shown ANY support at all.
she hasnt allowed me to conc on my studies at all.
she wants me to help her with home stuff
then how study?
24 hours is already not enough!

she sees me coming home late almost everyday
then sleep so late everyday
then cannot wake up every morning
and she scolds me for every one of those.
what can i say.
im too tired and exasperated to explain.
tt will take a long time.

but i really wanna tell her...
i hope. really hope.
that she can understand
TRY to understand maybe?
my dad is lost case la i dun care him le la
he totally hopeless le i just hope he leaves me alone
mum...i want to talk to her.
but i dunno how to put everything to her nicely.
i think. no, i WILL cry de.
sure cry de.
i want to let her know clearly
i want to tell her what i feel what i think
what i am going thru.
i want to tell her
i know she's tired too
i know my dad is making her even more tired.
he is disturbing both of us in every way.
it's quite sad he's so lonely at home pretty much ignored
but we cant help it. seriously.
cant take that much.
i also want to tell mum that
i hope to conc on my studies
and do well
do myself proud
do her proud
and earn lots of money for her next time :(
just now go bathe saw some stuff left for me to do
i felt so upset that i cried quite hard in the bathroom lols
feel like shouting and screaming everything out la
actually i was.
silent screaming.
i was shouting out all my tots but muted la lols.
haiz.
my eyes don't feel right now -.-

although i complain about my mum a lot
but i <3 her a lot ok :(
she has been trying hard for the family for the past i dunno how long.
she may not be doing a great job in some areas
but i know she tries hard.
i know she's having a hard time too
so i dun rly blame her la.
dad is another thing.
he's the one annoying everyone
to the extent that we too tired to bother about him la.
mum not rly doing a gd job sometimes
she makes me wonder what happened to selfless love
haha...
but im not asking for that much.

she grumbles to me that no one cares about her
her leg was injured
she said it's still not fully well yet
but no one help her
no one asked her if she was ok etc
but she nvr said it was not ok.
tt time she injured i did ask her if she was alright
she jus doesnt rmb gd stuff
only the negative stuff shines at her face
etched in her memory...
i rmb that time she cut her toe and sortof fainted
dad was flustered...sort of.
i was worried i stayed around in the living room with them
my aunt came down help too.
i was trying to see if there's anything i can do.

i dun like it that she says we dun care about her.
the three of us are too similar.
tt's the problem.
we dunno how to express ourselves properly...
it's not that we dont care
but we dunno how express that care.

she doesnt either.
since young.
she NEVER cared about me before.
emotionally i mean.
to her i was leading a smooth and wonderful life since young
she nvr knew what i had gone thru
i guess i nvr shared
but i dun wanna bother her with more stuff
and some stuff...i just cant tell her.
i know what she will say.
it's rly annoying to share things with her sometimes.
no matter what i say,
even if it has NO relation to me AT ALL
she still can find sth to lecture me about
it annoys me a lot de lor.
so i usually just tell her usual stuff normal stuff

I NVR shared anything personal with her before.
coz she doesnt understand...
esp nowadays
she's having a hard time.
she's rly tired.
so she complained to me
she hope i can help her.
she says no one will care if she dies
she says me and my dad will regret treating her like tt now
she says we wont be able to do anything without her
coz she's doing everything now.
i kept quiet i nvr said anything. as usual.
i know i wont be able to control myself if i opened my mouth.
i'll get agitated. i will.
i so wanted to argue every point she made.
i wanted to tell her it's not true.

but what can i do?
i need to study. i want to
i want to do well. she wants me to do well.
my dad wants me to do well, but for the wrong reasons la.
so what should i do?

i have a lot to think about too;
i got a lot that i wanna tell her.
but seeing her so tired and everything
how can i tell her all these??
how can i tell her i wanna conc on my studies
tell her i cant help her with house stuff??
how can i let her know that
it's not that i dun care
but 我都自身难保了怎么帮她呀？
haiz.
i rly dunno what i can do.
i dunno what she wants me to do................

i want our small family of three to be happy :(
i see so many happy families around
and i rly envy them
coz i want that for our family too...
haiz. what can i do??
my parents are stubborn.
they are not ppl who accepts what others say easily
esp my dad. he doesnt listen AT ALL
so we dun bother saying already.
ears are shut anyway no point...
aiya.
aiya.
aiya. ;(( haiz.
talking about my family always makes me teary.
my parents totally no peace nowadays la.
they seldom talk de
if they talk also so hostile.
i dun like to talk to my dad also.
though he likes to bother me
i will talk to my mum sometimes
but she is so unresponsive
though i know she listens
and she isnt in the best of moods recently
so house isnt very nice now.
it's not a very conducive env to support my studying...
i cant study with a mood like this man
BUT TMR GOT CHEM TEST AND CLL TEST.............
argh. why today emo sia TSK!

just now just come fb
saw weijie's status
realise he got gf!
and they are like so...i duno how say.
i went read their walls and everything
they are having problems i think.
but when i see their stuff
i see what weijie writes...
the feeling i get is
they are so pure...
weijie really likes the girl A LOT apparently
the girl likes him a lot too
but there are problems somehow
they are on the verge of splitting.
wonder how it is now.
hope it works out.
weijie is a REEALLY nice guy la.
and from his words can tell
he really loves the girl
well he's 21 le anyway though he doesnt look like it haha :P
third time find him so mature...
but their type of love ar
so rare.
ok maybe it's not rare in msia
but it's totally impossible to find in sg la.
it's so 单纯，那么令人羡慕
那么美，清澈
it made me feel warm sort of
emoemo feeling haha

weijie has been rly great
great korkor.
that time he comfort me when jacket stolen
run down buy tissue for me etc
he's really that nice
but he always say he nvr like girls before
say he no gf
cheat de sia haha
i just asked him about it
he says his parents dun approve of the girl...
till now then can tts y he post on fb haha
they have their own problems too
but seems like it's ok le...
wish them all the best!
i believe they all deserve each other :D
great wonderful people like them deserve happiness...

at times like this when im feeling emo
really want someone to lean on...
i cant lean on my parents. i nvr did.
who else can i lean on?
i cant think of any :(